We are just finishing up our first four week Parent Anxiety Group: Education and Support (PAGES group). It's been a great success!  This four-week group, held on Zoom, offered parents the opportunity to learn about why anxiety is maintained over time and what they can do at home to start to change it.  Weeks One and Two were primarily "education" with tons of learning packed into two hours!  Weeks Three and Four were tailored to support the group members' unique needs.  This group included parents of kids from first to tenth grade.  Although this felt slightly daunting at the get-go, we immediately observed many commonalities and I was able to tailor the lessons to the groups' needs with tips specific to both younger kids and teens.  During Week Three, we focused on anxiety and sleep, as well as anxiety and anger/bad behavior.  During Week Four, we will be focusing on perfectionism.  Parents have had ample opportunity to ask questions and receive helpful tips from me.

The next session of the PAGES group will begin on May 3, for four Mondays @10 am.  You can read more details in the flyer below.  If you would like to join, please email me ASAP at drledley@me.com.  I'd love to have you!

The past year has been unprecedented (I know, I know…that word!), as has our teens’ screen time.  For interest’s sake, I just pulled up my calendar from this week, 2020.  There is barely an empty hour between competition jazz band commitments, religious school, music and sports lessons, high school extra-curriculars, and get-togethers with friends.  I see virtually no blank space on our family calendar – and my kids have never been as “programmed” as their peers!  With so little free time (once you add in schoolwork, which both my kids take seriously), screen time was not a huge issue in our house.  The kids texted with friends, followed some Instagram accounts, and my son played an hour of video games per day on weekends only.
 
Fast forward to COVID times.  How many times have YOU said to your kids – “Get off your screens” or “Can’t you find anything else to do that does not involve in a screen?” It sure feels like a problem – so I turned to my screens and asked fellow parents of teens whether they are struggling with screens in their homes too.  I also asked what their teens are keeping busy with that does not involve an electronic device.  Here are some take-aways:
 
-We are all in this together – “All screens.  All the time,” “Screens, all the time,” “Definitely a lot of screen time.”  Basically, every parent who I heard from admitted to way too much screen time in their homes.
 
-Sports have been helpful – in some areas, organized sports have continued throughout COVID.  Parents remarked that team sports and individual lessons in sports like tennis have been a godsend for their kids.  Although we have been extremely cautious throughout the pandemic, we did allow our son to play Little League baseball this summer and it truly was a blessing.  He got to be with other boys, got a lot of fresh air and exercise, and felt some of the team spirit he usually experiences at his beloved overnight camp.  Parents also wrote about how their kids have embraced the family exercise equipment.  My daughter has been joining me for Peloton yoga classes and we are loving the together time and the laughs when we can’t quite master the poses!
 
-Weather is a factor – Parents remarked that their kids were much better at getting outside for exercise and socially distant visits with friends when the weather was warmer and there was no snow or ice on the ground.  So many friends invested in firepits and heaters before the winter – but when it is 10 degrees outside, no teenager is going to sit in the backyard!  Bad weather = more screen time.  For all of us. 
 
-Kids have adjusted to doing all sorts of things online – in my house, we do online trumpet lessons, clarinet lessons, and piano lessons.  I have learned to knit online with my best friend in Canada.  Of course, many, many kids are doing therapy online (I’ve never been busier).  Things that seemed impossible before COVID seem pretty normal now.  Yes, I recognize that these online activities technically involve a screen, but if it means kids are learning and growing, we will have to accept it for now.  
 
-Crafts can be cool – one mom wrote that she is taking 2-3 trips to craft stores per month.  Many parents wrote about their kids drawing, painting, knitting, crocheting, baking and cooking.  I do have to say these interests seemed to trend slightly to the tween/early teen age group as opposed to high school kids. One of my college age students knits and crochets the COOLEST clothes and bags – I feel like if my daughter and her friends could see her stuff, they would all want to pick up knitting.  But if I suggest it – no way.  
 
-Pets – many people have acquired pandemic puppies and these too have been very helpful for kids.  They get kids outside and exercising and are of course good for mental health and for learning responsibility.  Don’t have your own pet?  Maybe your child can help out walking a neighbor’s dog!
 
-Reading – some parents wrote that they have kids who are naturally avid readers and these kids have loved the gift of reading time that COVID has afforded.  
 
To summarize – the good news is that our kids have kept up with old hobbies and interests and have developed some new ones despite COVID.  The bad news – there is an awful lot of aimless screen time, and a lot of the activities described above actually still involve screens.  
 
SO, SHOULD WE BE WORRIED?
 
 As a psychologist, I encourage you to ask yourselves this –
 
What is the function of the screen time?
 
Some positive functions –
 
-Social time – if your kid is on Facetime with friends, playing video games with other kids, or watching silly videos with a friend, remind yourself – this is all they’ve got right now.  Particularly in the winter, it is really hard to get together in any meaningful way.  For kids who are in school, social time is very limited.  Generally, kids cannot choose who to eat lunch with and during lunch cannot even face a peer and talk while they eat.  Kids are telling me that school leaves them feeling really empty.  They need to fill their tank somehow.
 
-Learning – Obviously, our kids are going to be on screens for school and for completing schoolwork.  During these odd times, we also have to accept that they will be on screens to take their music and dance lessons, do some of their sports coaching, watch videos about crafts and baking, and so on.  At these times where kids are having so few shared experiences, it is also important for kids to have things to connect about – and this might be the latest sports scores or the newest Netflix series.  For kids who are watching a lot of sports or shows/movies, suggest they get on Facetime and watch with a friend or watch a really interesting series and virtually meet to discuss each episode with friends (like a book club – but for TV!) 
 
-A healthy escape – This year has been a nightmare between COVID, political and social unrest, and for many kids, losing loved ones, economic security, etc.  Think about what YOU do at the end of a hard day.  Most people turn on the TV and zone out.  Let your kids do that too.  Not for hours, but do remember that they need a brain break too.
 
And the not so positive –
 
-Escape from aversive feelings – If your child is spending hours on screens, to the exclusion of COVID-safe social time, other hobbies, spending time with family, etc., it is worth asking if they are using screens to escape from aversive feelings of anxiety and sadness.  Screen time would likely not be the only sign of a problem.  Has your child’s eating or sleep habits changed?  Do they seem particularly critical of themselves or more worried than usual?  Have they lost interest in things they used to like and that they still could do during COVID?  If you are seeing some of these changes with increased screen time, check in with your child.  If you are concerned about their mental health, speak to your pediatrician or school counselor.  
 
 
 
 
 
 
 

Happy New Year! Here’s hoping that 2021 brings many positive changes to our world after an incredibly difficult 2020. With New Year’s here, many people will be tempted to get “out with the old” and establish new, healthier habits.
HERE ARE SOME TIPS FOR CREATING AND STICKING TO YOUR RESOLUTIONS THIS YEAR:

• Be realistic and be kind to yourself – We are coming off a really challenging year (are you glad I didn’t use the word “unprecedented”?!). To cope with COVID-19, many people have gained weight and consumed more substances than they typically would. Concurrently, we have been unable to engage in healthy behaviors like going to the gym or exercising with supportive groups of friends. After such a rough year, it would be unfair to tell yourself to lose your “COVID-20” in a month, to stop drinking alcohol completely, or to start working out every day. Be realistic. How about restricting your evening alcoholic beverage to weekend nights only? Perhaps working out three times per week? Maybe having a small dessert after dinner, but not after lunch? When we set reasonable goals, we are more likely to succeed.
• Don’t feel tied to January 1 – There is a lot of pressure to set resolutions on the first of the year. For some people though, other times of transition during the year mean more to them – maybe a birthday, or the start of the school year, for example. If these milestones speak more loudly to you as the time to make behavior changes, go with it. January 1st is just another day and there is no need to change everything about your life by January 2nd!
• Be concrete – It can be very hard to meet goals if we don’t define them concretely. What does it mean to “get healthier” or to “get in shape”? Give some thought to what your goal is so that you know how to/whether you have met your goal. For example, a goal for one person who wants to “get healthier” might be to cook at home every night and only order in/eat out one night per week. A goal for another person might be to cut their drinking down to a specified amount (one drink per evening or only on the weekends).
• Be consistent – There is an adage in psychology that it takes three weeks to establish a new behavior. For example, if you can wake up fifteen minutes early and do some morning yoga every day for 21 days, that routine will be established in your behavioral repertoire. Print out a calendar page and check off each day that you meet your goal. A visual reminder of how well you are doing is very motivating. And, reward yourself. Perhaps after a week of success, treat yourself to a manicure or a piece of really good chocolate.
• Remember that a blip is different from a “relapse.” – We’ve all had a bad day from time to time (perhaps more often than usual during 2020!) and might throw up our hands and say, “what the heck”. We might have that extra drink or slice of cake to soothe our nerves. That’s okay. It’s what we say to ourselves about that “what the heck” experience that matters. It is just a blip. We can get right back on track the next day. It does not mean that we should throw the whole goal-setting challenge out the window! Re-set that 21-day habit clock and try again.
• Figure out healthy replacement behaviors – And while we are on the subject of blips, if you are trying to get rid of an unhealthy behavior, consider what you can do at high-risk times that is inconsistent with the risky behavior. If you are prone to indulge in the evenings (in either food or alcohol), chew some sugarless gum; take a nice hot shower or bath; or hang out in a room in your house where you would not eat or drink (e.g., get into bed with a great book if you don’t eat in bed).
• Remember that food deprivation generally does not work – Setting a goal to never eat chocolate again won’t work – trust me! When we deprive ourselves, we tend to rebound and actually overindulge when we have access to the desired item. A better goal is to learn to eat everything in moderation. Set a goal of eating a small piece of chocolate each night rather than a whole bar, or one cookie rather than five. As I just mentioned, think about the behaviors that impact overindulgence. If you sit down in front of the TV with a box of cookies, you are likely to eat them all. Instead, bring one cookie into the TV room on a nice plate and really savor that cookie. Make sure the rest of the cookies are put away and the kitchen lights are turned off to deter the urge to go back for more.
• Make new behaviors rewarding – To encourage yourself to engage in a goal behavior, figure out ways to make that behavior rewarding. If you set a goal to exercise more, make plans to exercise with a friend you really like to spend time with. Want to do more yoga? Make sure to invest in a really nice mat or maybe, after a few successful weeks, treat yourself to some new yoga wear. Trying to eat more healthfully?  Purchase a beautiful new cookbook or find some creative food blogs that inspire you. And, following from the previous bullet point, putting one really delicious cookie on a pretty plate will be a nicer experience than gobbling a whole box of cheap cookies by the kitchen pantry.
• Use visual reminders – I am a real believer in visual reminders. If you are trying not to snack between meals, tape an inspiring note to your pantry and fridge. Trying to get better about flossing? Leave the dental floss out on the bathroom counter and, again, put a note on the bathroom mirror to remind you to floss each night. Want to do that morning yoga? Leave your mat unfurled next to your bed so you see it as soon as you open your eyes in the morning.
• Find your cheerleaders – Who can you rely on to check in with you about your goals? Ask the most supportive people in your life to periodically ask you how things are going, or update them knowing that you will get a supportive text or emoji back from them. Some people love to post progress with weight loss or exercise on social media – it gives you accountability and again, cheerleading from your friends. Or, if you are a really social animal, get a group together all working toward the same goals, and cheer each other on.

Best of luck with your New Year’s resolutions!  And here’s wishing you a happy, healthy and calm 2021.

Originally published on https://lifespeak.com/blog/​

Back in March, when we came home from school and work for two weeks, who could have imagined that we would now be into our seventh month of living our lives on screens??  As we gear up for a Fall of telehealth sessions, I would like to share some tips to make our sessions run as smoothly as possible!

• Please set up your device on a stable surface.  When clients hold their device in their hand during sessions, a few things happen.  First, your clinician gets very dizzy!  Second, the sound often gets muffled making it hard to hear all the important things we are discussing.
• Similarly, please try to stay in one spot during sessions.  I am totally fine with patients doing their sessions from cars, closets, or anywhere they feel is private.  I am also fine with a brief walk-around to show me your dog, a favorite toy, or of course, for us to do an exposure together!  But, it is challenging to carry out sessions when clients are on a walk, rolling around with Buddy the dog on the kitchen floor, or doing Tic Tick dances :)
• Have paper and pen or an electronic device available for note taking.  Remember back in my office how I would give you those cute little note cards at the end of the session with boss backs, homework assignments, strategies, tips, etc?  I wish I could still hand you those through the screen!  While I work on my tech skills (or magic skills?), please have something available to take these important notes on your own to refer to in between sessions.  
• During this challenging time, one thing refrain that keeps coming into my head is "we are all in this together."  Sharing experiences can really help so I am keen to offer some telehealth groups this Fall.  Already in the works is a social anxiety group for middle schoolers - let me know ASAP if you would like to join.  Do you have ideas for any other groups?  Please let me know and I will try to make it happen.  

Outside/Active
 

• Go for a walk with a friend
• Play tennis or basketball at the local park or school
• Go backyard camping – pitch a tent, make a campfire (with adult help of course), tell ghost stories, and maybe even sleep outside.  
• Play outdoor games (cornhole, Jenga, badminton, frisbee)
• Set up a “Survivor” type challenge in your backyard
• Design a scavenger hunt for siblings, friends, kids on your street
• Tend your garden
• Go for a bike ride
• Go “birdwatching” in your yard with some binoculars; learn some bird calls (try birdwatchingacademy.com)
• Walk your dog, or start a dog walking business in your neighborhood
• Set up some fun water games with sprinklers, water balloons, slip n’ slides, etc.  
• Turn your patio or driveway into a giant stained-glass window using sidewalk chalk
• Have the kids on your street work together to make a sidewalk chalk street/sidewalk obstacle course or fitness challenge
• Go on a family outing to a hiking or walking trail
• Sign up for an exercise challenge or make up your own
  • The yes.fit app has the coolest challenges with fun medals at the end
  • How about logging running, biking or swimming mileage to cover the length of the Grand Canyon or the Appalachian Trail?  Check out theconquerer.events.
• Missing Summer camp?  Replicate a camp tradition at home.  Maybe a special campfire meal?  A craft?  Or a sporting event? A string or gimp friendship bracelet?

 
Creative Activities
 

• Paint by numbers
• Jigsaw puzzles
• Coloring books
• Do a crossword or word search
• Play your favorite music – dance or just listen
• Play with toy soldiers, dolls, barbies or stuffed animals
• Build a fort!
• Go outside and paint what you see 
• Sign up for a monthly subscription box that contains a new craft or building project (like KiwiCo, sketch box, little passports)
• Do a 30-day LEGO challenge https://thatbricklife.com/lego-challenge-30-days-of-play-calendar/
• Cook your way through a cookbook
• Learn to use songwriting software (like Garageband or Noteflight) and start composing!
• Master a particular cooking or baking skill, like cookie decorating or making macarons or baking bread
• Take online music classes 
• Write a script and put on a play
• Play a musical instrument
• Build something cool out of a cardboard box (how about an arcade game, a musical instrument, a dollhouse?)
• Take photos, and experiment with photo editing
• Grab some model magic or clay and get creative
• Set up an art exhibit or put on a concert or show for your family to enjoy!

 
 
Do a Good Deed
 

• Make and mail a homemade card for a loved one
• Clean up a neighborhood park or trail
• Clean your bookshelf or old toys and donate to kids in need
• Write letters to senior citizens in nursing homes who are not permitted visitors
• Write letters to health care workers at your local hospital/first responders to thank them for their service
• Volunteer to babysit for a neighborhood child whose parent is balancing working from home and childcare
• Help elderly neighbors with yard work or errands
• Sew masks for friends and family
• Volunteer to walk a neighbor’s dog
• Make friendship bracelets in your camp or school colors and mail them to your friends

 
 
Reading and Writing
 

• Do some creative writing (try the app called “Prompts for Writing” or check out these: https://thinkwritten.com/writing-prompts-for-kids/)
• Write a graphic novel (for some tips from Raina Telgemeier https://goraina.com/tools)
• Set a goal to finish a book series (all of Harry Potter, Percy Jackson, Wings of Fire, Land of Stories, Kingdom Keepers, Fablehaven, Mysterious Benedict Society, the Penderwicks, Story Thieves, Canadian Flier, Magic Treehouse, My Weird School, Mercy Watson, the Who Was/What Was books, The Cupcake Diaries; Wimpy Kid; Dogman; etc.)
• Set up a book club with your friends (you can do this via Zoom)
• Learn/work on a new language (with Babbel, Rosetta Stone, or with a bilingual friend)
• Create a family cookbook – collect favorite family recipes, put in a scrapbook, decorate!

 
 
Lunch and Learn!
 

• Listen to a podcast (Every little Thing; Wow in the World; Stuff you Missed in History Class; But Why? are just a few!)
• Listen to a book on tape 
• Listen to a TED talk (there is a TedTalks Kids and Family podcast too)
• Watch a MasterClass
• So many museums are offering amazing programing – here is a little sample:
  • Barnes Takeout  Get your daily serving of art in our new YouTube series. In short videos, Barnes curators, scholars, and educators present off-the-cuff musings about some of their favorite works in the collection.  Subscribe for new content every weekday.
  • There are so many cool things to learn about and do from the Smithsonian https://www.si.edu/kids
  • Check in on an animal cam https://nationalzoo.si.edu/webcams (from pandas to naked mole rats!)

 
 
In the evenings…
 

• Go on a tour of the night skies.  Thursdays at 7:45pm: Night Skies @ Home with Chief Astronomer Derrick Pitts of the Franklin Institute.  Stargazers of all ages are invited to step outside and enjoy a tour of the night sky from home: https://www.fi.edu
• Find a sports team to follow that is different from your usual  –  how about Korean baseball or German soccer? 
• Set up an at home spa – face masks, mani-pedis, and relaxing music
• Find a family show to watch like Survivor, The Amazing Race, Great British Baking Show, Top Chef, Cake Wars, Lego Masters, etc.  

 
Online Camps and Classes
 

• Met Museum – check out the @metteeens Instagram account for awesome art/craft projects and Teen Studio for ages 15-18 (free, but must register) https://www.metmuseum.org/events/programs/teens/teen-studio
• Metropolitan Opera Summer Camp (3rd-12th grade, free) https://www.metopera.org/discover/education/global-summer-camp/home/
• Be a CHEMIST at home this summer!  http://scienceinthesummer.fi.edu/phila
• New York Times Summer Academy Online (10th-12th grade, fee) https://nytedu.com/pre-college/summer-academy/online/?utm_source=google&utm_medium=cpc&utm_campaign=sa-online&Cid=7011G000000Aeaq&gclid=EAIaIQobChMIkojb9a2O6gIVFI_ICh0XjAVLEAAYASAAEgKjGfD_BwE
• Outschool.com (all ages, some free) allows you to explore any interest over live video chat.  They offer everything from SAT prep to yoga, Minecraft to cake decorating.  Amazing! 
• Check out offerings from your local NPR station.  Ours in Philadelphia offers journalist, photojournalist and stop motion animation camps.  (grades 6-12, fee).  https://whyy.org/education/summer-camps/Outschool
• Varsity Tutors – live online classes, some academic and some just for fun.  (all ages, some free)  https://www.varsitytutors.com/virtual-summer-camp-catalog
• IMACS – Math and computer science enrichment classes (all ages, fee)
• Wild Explorers Club - The Wild Explorers Club is a monthly, online adventure program designed to ignite a heart for exploration and wonder in our kids.  (ages 6-12, fee).

 
 
I would love to hear about what you are doing to keep busy this summer.  Drop me a line at drledley@me.com with your ideas and I will update this list!
 
 
 

I am a silver lining sort of person.  There is no doubt that a global pandemic is really, really awful.  We have now been home for ten weeks.  We have missed celebrating meaningful events and holidays with family and friends; we've worried about our front-line workers and elderly relatives; we've mourned the loss of teams and music groups and volunteer groups; and of course, we've endured the challenges of working and learning from home.  

But, what about all that kids are learning during this time?  Without the sun-up to sun-down rushing that typically guides our lives, how have our kids filled this time?  To me, the silver lining is that many kids are filling their time with acquiring and building life skills!  This is so great!

-A few of my patients have learned to ride two-wheelers, probably a few years after they should have!  And, older patients who had felt very anxious about learning to drive have embraced this life skill on our quieter streets.  

-So many kids are cooking, baking, and gardening.  These are skills they will use forever.

-One friend posted on Facebook that her kids built a bike course, a tree swing, and the frame to a car (like one you can drive!).  How cool is that?

-There is no doubt that the current generation of parents is more overprotective than our parents were of us (check out http://www.freerangekids.com).  This unique time is allowing kids to set off on their own for adventures in their neighborhoods.  Yesterday, my kids biked into our little town on their own and navigated buying an ice cream while following all the new COVID rules to keep them and people around them safe.  They were so proud of themselves when they got home!

-How about CLEANING?  Without a regular cleaning person, many families are scrubbing toilets and changing beds and doing lots of laundry and dishes!  Okay, full disclosure - getting the kids involved in this one hasn't been easy in my house (the groaning tends to take longer than the doing).  However, the pay-off is huge.  Between ages 17 and 30, I did all of my own cleaning.  How great that our kids are building the confidence now so that when they head out into the world, they will know how to keep their environments clean and pleasant.  

-A major life skill is learning how to BE comfortable with oneself.  It is so important to discover how to structure an empty day so that at the end of it, you feel like it was a day worth living.  Without their over-structured days, kids are really having the opportunity to learn this skill.  Kids are waking up each morning and depending on their age, they need to set their schedule for the day.  By this point in quarantine, many kids have realized that endless video games does not feel good at the end of the day.  So what does?  Kids are learning what gives them a sense of accomplishment, what makes them feel happy, what makes them feel calm and relaxed.  To me, this might be the most important life skill of all.

What life skills have your kids learned during quarantine?  I'd love to hear!

Have you been battling getting your kids (or yourself?!) off screens since the COVID quarantine began?  Take a look at these 25 Things to Do When You Are Bored (without a screen).  Thanks so much to my amazing 14-year old daughter for her charming illustrations :)  Do you have ideas for 25 MORE Things To Do When You Are Bored?  Let us know!  

1. Maintain regular sleeping and eating routines.
-even though baking is a fun quarantine activity, overeating will lead you to feel sluggish and unhappy.  All food is good food – but everything in moderation!
 
2. Keep up social connections.
-schedule some Zoom or Facetime chats with friends each week.  If you find it difficult to make casual conversation, plan to play a game or discuss a book or movie with your friend(s).
-take advantage of “social events” offered by groups you feel connected to – like your church/synagogue, volunteer organizations, schools, etc.  
-Have the patience to help older relatives and friends get up to speed with new technologies so that they can feel connected too.
 
3. Get exercise every day, preferably outdoors.
-Be mindful of keeping a safe distance.
-Be creative – find a wall on which to play solo tennis, make a hopscotch course on the driveway, do yoga on your porch, explore new streets in your neighborhood.
 
4. Make sure that each day includes activities that give you a sense of MASTERY.
-mastery activities are those that give you a sense of accomplishment.  These are the activities that might not necessarily be fun, but feel good to check off the “to do” list.
-make sure you set reasonable goals each day for mastery activities.  Rather than setting the goal of cleaning your whole house for example, plan to clean the bathrooms one day and vacuum another day.  
-examples of mastery activities are school work, work, household chores, etc. 
 
5. Make sure that each day includes activities that give you a sense of PLEASURE/FUN.
-pleasure activities are activities that give you little lift because they are fun!
-make sure that screen time is not your only source of fun.  While some time on Netflix is indeed fun, sitting for hours watching TV tends to not be good for our moods.
-examples of fun activities include listening to or playing music, doing a craft, doing something physical or athletic, playing with a pet, gardening, reading, etc.
 
If you are finding the days under quarantine very aimless, try making yourself a daily hour-by-hour schedule.  Make sure that you include all of these items in your daily schedule – healthy meals, a good night’s sleep, exercise, social time, mastery activities and pleasure activities.  

I've created a new In the News page for articles about COVID-19 .  My goal is to keep adding to my blog with helpful resources by colleagues and friends - there is an overwhelming amount of good information out there for kids and families.  I'm trying to get this done between online therapy sessions; helping with homeschool; getting some exercise each day; doing endless cooking, cleaning, and laundry; and (ironically) reviewing an upcoming book about repetitive negative thoughts.  More to come....I promise!
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