 Looking for some excellent back to school reading? Pick up a copy of Middle School Matters by Phyllis Fagell. I follow Phyllis on Twitter and had pre-ordered this book as soon as she began tweeting about it. It arrived last week and I have been eagerly reading every word between doing camp laundry, buying school supplies, and driving my daughter to pre-season sports. Despite this book being about Middle Schoolers, I am finding so many gems for a much wider range of kids, from the upper elementary ages to new high schoolers. As a mom of an incoming Middle Schooler and High Schooler this year, and a psychologist who works with kids, I am highlighting like mad!
Here are some gems so far - -"on different days, the same kid may present as thirteen going on thirty or thirteen going on three." -because of the underdeveloped prefrontal and frontal cortices of teens, smart kids can do stupid things. We should expect mistakes - some pretty frightful! Turn these into teachable moments rather than "life sentences". -Friendships change immensely over the course of middle school. One study actually showed that only 1% of friendships formed in 7th grade were still intact by 12th grade! As parents, we need to expect this, understand that it is part of growing, and not catastrophize these changes (e.g., assuming a tough social period in 7th grade will mean lifelong social disaster). -Help kids find activities that interest them, that introduce them to kids with shared interests, and that play to their strengths. I.M.O., this is a very different approach from picking activities that will help kids get into an Ivy League school! Fagell writes, "When children are young, they find friends based on proximity. As they get older, they find friends based on similarity. This transition is one of the fundamental challenges of middle school..." So much more to share! But really, buy this book and read it for yourself. It's super!
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I am pleased to be offering a new group at my office called COLLEGE-BOUND.
Beginning in May, this group will meet weekly and is open to students beginning college in Fall 2019 (or returning to college after time away). All potential group members must meet with me for a one-hour session prior to joining the group to assess suitability and discuss confidentiality. Groups will be led by Dr. Ledley with a segment dedicated to teaching valuable COLLEGE-BOUND skills and a segment reserved for group sharing and discussion. Topics will include: -Dealing with roommates and making friends - with students often selecting their own roommates, kids are going into college assuming this relationship is going to be a perfect, life-long friendship -- but it often doesn't turn out that way. We will discuss how to deal with disappointment if roommate choice does not work out; how to resolve conflicts with roommates; and how to make friends around campus. -Academics - Students tell me that it is very hard to adjust to the academic independence of college after the hand-holding of high school. We will discuss what to expect in college, how to manage independently, how to choose classes, how to stay organized, and how to seek help and speak to professors. -Drinking - Many patients who I work with have made the decision to NOT drink or to drink minimally in college and have found it challenging to find like-minded friends. We will discuss this issue, as well as how to deal with substance use problems in roommates and friends, and how substances are often used to manage emotions. -Managing emotions away from home & Homesickness -- Kids are very connected to their parents these days and that has its definite plusses - except when kids are texting their parents at all times of day and night because they are having difficulties managing the day to day challenges of life away from home. We will learn valuable emotion regulation skills designed to foster independence. -Finding resources on your campus - Despite the time we take selecting a college, students often don't know about the resources available to them when they need them. We will discuss how to know if you need help and where to find that help (academic, medical, emotional). Each group member will build a list of these resources to take to school with them. -Life skills - These days, so much time in high school is spent on school work and on building one's resume that college comes and kids don't know how to pump gas, cook eggs, or do laundry. Not knowing how to do these basic skills can add to stress in college and maintain reliance on parents. We will discuss and work on these skills throughout our group. -Managing Your Anxiety Disorder - Kids are going to college with social anxiety, OCD, panic attacks and so forth. We will discuss how these disorders can impact college life and what we can work on in advance in order to be ready for these challenges. We will also discuss how to get ongoing help at college if needed. Please contact me to get involved in this valuable and fun group! drledley@me.com Last night, I cooked a nice dinner and we began discussing New Year's Resolutions. Let me tell you that even psychologists can have bad parenting moments - or at the very least, ones we question!
My kids, ages 11 and 13, contributed some ideas for their New Year's resolutions. The 13-year old wanted to eat fewer chips. The 11-year old wanted to annoy his big sister less often. Okay, nice resolutions guys. And then, we got into the mix. We just couldn't let it rest. My husband and I started giving the kids New Year's resolutions. We believe that one of our kids really needs to work on "emotion regulation skills" (yes, I am a psychologist!) and the other needs to focus on building reading and writing skills. Within the few minutes, the kids started giving US New Year's resolutions. Mommy should work on being less snappy. Daddy should work less. And so on. The conversation degenerated quickly. The kids felt criticized and the parents felt --- well, we also felt criticized and, perhaps, like the children were talking about things they didn't really understand. So, who should be setting kids' New Year's Resolutions? The answer? I am not sure! All good psychologists know that motivation is strongest when it comes from within. If my daughter really believes that it is important to cut back on chips, then she will likely succeed at this goal. A win-win - she is healthier and feels good about accomplishing a goal she set for herself. Yet, as parents, our job is to guide and teach and our kids might not have the ability to frame or verbalize the things that they need to work on. It is hard to hear about weaknesses (I know this firsthand, since I was told last night that I need to be less snippy!), but if we only tell our kids how wonderful they are, they won't grow and they will also sense a lack of genuineness in all this praise. If I could turn back time on last night's dinner, here's what I would do. I would have each family member set one resolution for themselves, and be open to one suggestion from another family member on something they might consider working on. I would then check back in a week on how each family member has made sense of that suggestion and articulated it for themselves. Rather than harping on the kids for their weaknesses, I hope that they would come to see why they might want to work on these goals for their own benefit. What did you do with resolutions with your kids? Any thoughts or suggestions to share? With school starting all over the country, I've decided to repost a favorite post from last year! I've had a really busy week with clients preparing to start a new grade in elementary school or make the transition to middle school, high school, and college. Although each of my clients is so unique, the concerns they tend to share at this time of year are very similar. The boil down to the Three L's: -Who will I sit with at LUNCH? -How will I get into my LOCKER? -Will I get LOST (and as an addendum to that one, will I be LATE?) For anxious kids, I think these fears point to a few very important lessons to be learned: -All adjustments take time. Every kid is going to have a hard time getting into their locker the first week of school. Everyone is going to get lost on their way to class in the first few weeks of school (and might even be late). Every student is going to feel uncertain about who to sit with at lunch. I tell kids that by the end of two weeks, they will feel pretty good. With respect to friendships, it will take longer. For college freshman, it might take several months to find a group of like-minded kids who really make you feel at home in your new surroundings. All of this is normal and should be expected. -The only way to succeed is to ask for what you need. If you can't get into your locker, ask a friend or teacher for help. If you are lost, ask an older student. If you are alone at lunchtime, ask to join some kids who look nice. What is the worst thing that might happen? Test out this fear. In all likelihood, this fear will not come to pass. For example, if you fear that someone will laugh at you if you ask where your next class is, test it out. In all likelihood, the student you ask will point you in the right direction or even walk with you to help you find the way. -Anxious kids often fear doing the wrong thing and getting in trouble. Ask yourself, "What's happened in the past for me?" or "What would happen if this happened to another kid?" For example, in the first week of school very few kids get in trouble for coming into class late. Remind yourself that when you've made a minor mistake in the past, the world hasn't ended - you haven't even got a detention! These is generally wiggle room for kids to make little mistakes, and even if a teacher says some sharp words, you can handle it! Good luck with the new school year - and send me any questions or concerns you'd like me to address! I was happy to be quoted in the Chicago Tribune recently on a situation we have all been in....haven't we?
What do you do when a stranger tries to parent your child in public? (Photomondo / Getty Images) Christen A. Johnson Chicago Tribune Q: A stranger tries to parent or critique your child in public. How do you deal with the person without becoming irate? The first inclination is to give a dirty look or nasty retort. These public put-downs can eat away at us for hours, or even days, after they’ve happened. They can make us question our capabilities as parents or the goodness of our kids. Ask yourself if you value what this person thinks of you. There are many people you care about who give parenting feedback and whose advice you will take to heart. The stranger in the playground or the neighborhood restaurant? Not so much. You don't know the person’s values or parenting skills. So be prepared for these situations with a set response. "Sorry he's bugging you. We were all kids once, right?" Or a simple, "I've got it, thanks." Care about the people who do matter to you, and be able to dismiss the people who just pass through your life momentarily. — Dr. Deborah Roth Ledley, author of “Becoming a Calm Mom: How to Manage Stress and Enjoy the First Year of Motherhood” Today's New York Times is a must read: nyti.ms/2yYp7cn
The article, Why Are More American Teenagers Than Ever Suffering From Severe Anxiety? captures what I do on a daily basis - the kids I see, the issues they face, the reality of treatment (what it can achieve and its limits). I encourage all parents to read this wonderful article. And, please leave your comments here. Using Cognitive-Behavioral Strategies to Treat Perfectionism Across the Anxiety Disorders in Children and Adolescents:
Learning to Live by Values Instead of by Rules Friday October 27, 2017, 10am-2pm Philadelphia, PA Deborah Ledley PhD and Lynne Siqueland, PhD
Continuing Education Information: The Children’s and Adult Center for OCD and Anxiety is approved by the American Psychological Association to sponsor continuing education for psychologists The Children’s and Adult Center for OCD and Anxiety maintains responsibility for this program and its content. Participants will earn 4 CE hours for completing this workshop. Please contact Lynne Siqueland for more information and to register: siqueland@pobox.com I love working with kids during their Senior Year in high school. It is a time of so much potential stress, and a time when cognitive-behavioral therapy can be SO beneficial. Each year, I feel an internal burst of happiness when I have finally helped to navigate each of my Seniors through the craziness of the college application process, the agony of choosing a school, and the preparations for leaving home (sometimes for the very first time).
I've had a really busy week with clients preparing to start a new grade in elementary school or make the transition to middle school, high school, and college. Although each of my clients is so unique, the concerns they tend to share at this time of year are very similar. The boil down to the Three L's:
-Who will I sit with at LUNCH? -How will I get into my LOCKER? -Will I get LOST (and as an addendum to that one, will I be LATE?) For anxious kids, I think these fears point to a few very important lessons to be learned: -All adjustments take time. Every kid is going to have a hard time getting into their locker the first week of school. Everyone is going to get lost on their way to class in the first few weeks of school (and might even be late). Every student is going to feel uncertain about who to sit with at lunch. I tell kids that by the end of two weeks, they will feel pretty good. With respect to friendships, it will take longer. For college freshman, it might take several months to find a group of like-minded kids who really make you feel at home in your new surroundings. All of this is normal and should be expected. -The only way to succeed is to ask for what you need. If you can't get into your locker, ask a friend or teacher for help. If you are lost, ask an older student. If you are alone at lunchtime, ask to join some kids who look nice. What is the worst thing that might happen? Test out this fear. In all likelihood, this fear will not come to pass. For example, if you fear that someone will laugh at you if you ask where your next class is, test it out. In all likelihood, the student you ask will point you in the right direction or even walk with you to help you find the way. -Anxious kids often fear doing the wrong thing and getting in trouble. Ask yourself, "What's happened in the past for me?" or "What would happen if this happened to another kid?" For example, in the first week of school very few kids get in trouble for coming into class late. Remind yourself that when you've made a minor mistake in the past, the world hasn't ended - you haven't even got a detention! These is generally wiggle room for kids to make little mistakes, and even if a teacher says some sharp words, you can handle it! Good luck with the new school year - and send me any questions or concerns you'd like me to address! One of the goals I have when working with each of my clients is to tailor treatment to their unique needs. I'd like to do the same with my blog! With the school year beginning, what is your child worrying about? Fill in this survey and I will write some blog posts to address YOUR concerns (confidentially, of course!). |
Dr. LedleyI am a licensed psychologist working with kids, teens, and adults with anxiety disorders. Categories |
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