We live in a pretty competitive environment for kids. I have noticed lately that whenever I meet new people, or even when I am with my friends, the following question arises, "What's your kid into?"
The answer to this question is not meant to be Mine Craft or Lego or American Girl dolls. People are talking about travel soccer, elite swim teams, competitive gymnastics, and many times per week ballet lessons. My kids don't do any of these things. They do a lot of stuff -- they play instruments, they play sports, they go to religious school, they do some theatre. But, they do all of these activities once per week. They aren't tremendously talented at any of them. They certainly aren't destined for Broadway or the Olympics (so far as I can tell). As one of my dear friends said a few years ago as all of our girls were galloping around ballet class, "I guess if any of our kids were prodigies, we would know already!" In our home, we place a lot of focus on school and also on education outside of school (through travel, exposure to culture like museums, concerts, etc.). We view the rest of these activities as "icing on the cake". I've noticed lately, however, that when people discuss what their kids are "into," it brings up a lot of emotion for me. A little anxiety, a little frustration, a shade of sadness.... On the one hand, I worry that I haven't pushed my kids hard enough. Should their tennis lessons be less fun and more focused on the game? Should we amp up the sports to travel teams? Should my daughter who is good at theatre be doing theatre all year round instead of just over the summer? Should she have a vocal coach and a dance coach? Ah!!!! But then, I take a step back. With school and the relatively limited activities we do, there is barely time for our kids to PLAY. Play is extremely important for young children -- building with Lego, playing make believe with dolls, doing crafts with materials available to them that aren't dictated by a specific assignment. In my clinical work, kids say all the time that they wish they just had more time to play -- and I think this is a statement we should listen to. Furthermore, while I believe there are some kids who do come to a true passion on their own at a very young age, I am angry by the idea that all is lost if our kids haven't found that passion before they hit the double digits. Is it possible that they have not been exposed to the activity yet that they are meant to love and excel at? Perhaps they haven't yet met a certain teacher or other influential adult who they want to emulate. Developmentally, they might not be ready yet to be an amazing lacrosse player or to be committed enough to play piano for two hours per evening after a full day of school. Isn't it okay if this hits in 7th grade or 10th grade? Here is my thought. As parents, I think all we can do is expose our kids to a wide variety of activities that we think they might enjoy. We should take their lead. If a child is very artistic, we should expose them to more art, rather than forcing them into sports because "everyone else does sports" or because it might get them into college. We should be responsive to our children saying they want to do more.....and be comfortable saying NO to coaches or teachers who are demanding more to the detriment or play time, social lives, or even sleep. And, we should be okay with our kids just liking lots of things, rather than having a specialty at a very young age. After all, variety is the spice of life.
0 Comments
In my practice, I see a lot of really smart kids - it seems to go along with anxiety, for better or for worse. I am struck by how often parents and schools expose smart kids to information beyond their emotional capacity. Kids who are really bright can inadvertently trick us into assuming that they can emotionally process very difficult information. But, a smart nine year old is still.....NINE. An example of this has hit my house these last few weeks. My daughter is a 4th grader, and is in her school's gifted program. It is a wonderful program and we are grateful that it exposes her to like-minded kids who love to learn and to in-depth learning about focused topics - something that is not often done in the regular classroom. This semester's topic, however, has been very challenging. The children are studying the yellow fever epidemic that affected Philadelphia in 1793. Their learning began with a very vivid film that included those affected vomiting black fluid, and a small girl burying her dead mother. Apparently, most of the kids in the class were in tears during this film. When we discussed it at home, it became very clear to me that my very smart daughter thought the people in the film were real. She completely identified with the little girl whose mother died and she felt absolutely devastated for her. She was horrified by the blood, black vomit, and yellowed eyes. I posed her the following question -- "Were there video recorders and TVs in 1793?" A moment of realization came across her face. She said, "Oh mommy, they were ACTORS!" Yes, they were actors. But, did any of the children recognize this? Or, did we grown-ups assume that these super-smart kids "got it" and could process the content like we could? Given how upsetting the film was, I decided to read along with my daughter as they read the book, "Fever 1793" by Laurie Halse Anderson. As a psychologist working with anxious kids, I have to say this book is horrifying. For my adult self, it is very well written, interesting from a historical perspective....but still horrifying. I can't imagine that 9 and 10 year old kids, even gifted ones, can process the idea of half a city dying from a contagious illness; children losing every family member and being orphaned; or a 14 year old having to ward off invaders in her previously safe and loving home. Could the children learn about the yellow fever epidemic in a different way? Sure. They could learn about the immune system and vaccines and how such epidemics can't happen anymore (yes...I know what you're thinking....Ebola, measles, but we are talking to kids here, so let's keep it simple!). They could learn about the racial issues affecting Philadelphia at the time and how they played into this public health crisis. They could learn about what life was like in Philadelphia at this pivotal time and how different factors made the spread of disease so likely (ie., what were bathrooms like, what was the water supply like, where did people get their food from, how hard was it to get out of the city given that there were no cars or trains or taxis)? I am not saying that we shouldn't expose kids to emotion or to difficult topics -- but we need to be mindful of their developmental level and how it might not match up with their scores on tests or on how articulate they are. In my work with children and teens, I am spending more and more of my time focusing on building resilience. By this, I mean that I am trying to help children build coping skills to face every-day challenges. My goal, in a way, is to "inoculate" kids against the much bigger challenges we all face in life by seeing that they can cope with a bad grade on a test, a fight with a friend, or.....a snow-storm.
I am concerned with the widespread panic that seems to happen these days when even a drop of snow is coming. This weekend, we were expecting a bit of snow in suburban Philadelphia. Our school pancake breakfast was canceled, as were swim lessons. What if someone falls? What if a car skids? What if we can't get to the store for a day and we're hungry? Oh my! This is in sharp contrast to my childhood in Toronto. I don't recall having snow days. I do recall walking home from school in 1st and 2nd grade in blizzards, chaperoned by my sister who was only three years older than me. The worst thing that ever happened to me was that my boot fell off in the deep snow and my foot got wet. At our elementary schools, children do not have recess if it is below freezing and even above freezing, are not allowed to leave the paved surfaces. They do not want the children to get wet or throw snowballs at each other. At the school I attended in Toronto, kids are outside at recess building cross country skis out of plywood boards and having the time of their lives. Can snow and ice be dangerous? Sure. But, I fear we are raising a generation of weather-phobic kids. Perhaps it is okay for them to go outside at recess and be cold and then come inside and see that their bodies do a very good job of warming up. It's a great lesson in social skills for a bunch of kids to work together on building a snowman at recess time. It might be okay for kids to be responsible for bringing a change of clothes to school and switching out their pants after recess if they are wet. What about walking to school on a snowy day? This could show kids that their bodies can quite impressively handle a cold walk, and wow, might even be more capable than a car!!! And hey, how about shoveling? Perhaps dangerous for a 70 year old guy with heart disease but for some healthy youth? It's great fun. Kids feel a super feeling of accomplishment from helping to shovel the driveway or shoveling for an infirm neighbor. In fact, I am going to join my kids on the driveway right now...... As a therapist who has treated obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD) for several years, I "GET" OCD. Although I don't have OCD, I really understand what people go through who have it. For people in sufferer's lives, it is often difficult, if not impossible to understand. Parents, spouses, and friends wonder -- "Why can't they just NOT wash their hands?" or "Why do they have to say that prayer over and over till it feels just right?" or "Why can't they just stop thinking about the things that bug them?"
Terry Gross had a great interview on NPR today with David Adam, a science writer with OCD. I was amazed at how articulate he was about describing his obsessions and compulsions. I appreciated that Mr. Adam's OCD was not the typical washing and checking -- rather, he has a severe, irrational fear of contracting HIV. In clinical practice, we certainly see people who "wash" and "check," but even more often, we see people whose OCD revolves around more esoteric themes. This program is a must-listen for anyone trying to relate to what their family members with OCD are going through. And, it will be great comfort to people with OCD to hear that someone struggles with the same thoughts and behaviors as they do (even if the exact content of the thoughts and behaviors differ). Check out the interview here. I have not yet read Mr. Adam's book. I will post again when I do...but I sense it will be a valuable read for people with OCD and those who love them! CBT Trumps Medications for Social Anxiety DisorderA huge meta-analysis (link ) of 101 studies with more than 13,000 social anxiety disorder participants found that CBT had larger effect sizes than medications and other talk therapies.
The authors’ conclusion? CBT "should be regarded as the best intervention for initial treatment". For more information on shyness and social anxiety, see From the Website for the Association for Behavioral and Cognitive Therapies, 2014. I am a bit behind, folks. I have been swamped with patients, setting up a new office (more details to come), dealing with some family challenges, etc. I owe my readers some more tips on separation anxiety and they are coming....I promise! In the interim, I wanted to share a funny/not so funny story about how adults breed anxiety in kids. Yesterday, I was doing lunch duty at my kids' elementary school. The cafeteria lady somehow got the attention of the roomful of 1st graders. She held up a perfectly formed acorn. She said, "Children, these are not to come in the school." I was okay with that. Our school is immaculately clean and I am all for keeping outside things outside. She continued, "These are called acorns, children. They are VERY DANGEROUS." She went on to tell the kids how they could choke on acorns, how acorns could be used as weapons if thrown in another's child's eye, how acorns have sharp edges, and how acorns are dirty because squirrels put them in their mouths. Guess what, folks? The only danger of this lecture was imparting anxiety in children. At dinner last night, I told my kids that they must follow school rules -- but that at home, they are welcome to play with acorns as much as they would like. My daughter pointed out that they make lovely fairy hats. My son decided it might be nice to collect some and put them far from the house so the squirrels would have an easier time stocking up for the winter, but not make a mess of our patio. Sadly, I am sure some kids left the lunch room yesterday believing in the message that had been shared and thus missing out on a fun part of autumn! My first tip for dealing with separation anxiety is to change up the morning routine. When does your child's anxiety start? Once you figure that out, you can start re-working the morning so you spend it on the CALM channel instead of on the ANXIOUS channel (We regularly talk about "changing the channel in the brain"!). -For many kids, anxiety begins when they wake up. They lay in bed and start worrying before their feet even hit the floor. If this is the case, here's the plan -- Get up the minute you open your eyes! Turn on some cheerful, upbeat music. Get dressed, brush teeth, and get going with the day before anxiety takes hold. -For a lot of kids, anxiety begins when they first see mom or dad. They wander into their parents' room and start talking -- "Where will you be today?" "Will I be okay at school today?" "Do I have to go to school?" Some parents respond by reassuring repeatedly (which feeds anxiety); others get frustrated which in turns increases the child's anxiety. If this is the case, I often ban that morning conversation. I make it a rule that parents and kids can't talk until they are in the kitchen, having breakfast....at which point, the conversation cannot be about separation, anxiety, or school worries. I encourage parents to say, "I don't want to talk to anxiety this morning. What else can we talk about?" -If kids are having a really hard time changing the channel, have them write down their worries about the day (parents can help younger kids do this -- but should not begin reassuring their kids about these worries because that feeds anxiety). Explain that we won't be talking about them in the morning because "we won't know till we go". At the end of the day, sit with your child and evaluate whether their worries came true or did not come true. And, if a worry did come true, discuss with your child whether he/she was able to cope with that challenge. -Breakfast is a difficult time. Many anxious kids don't want to eat in the mornings. Although I am a huge proponent of breakfast, here is what I recommend -- lay breakfast out each morning, but also lay out some other items at the table to get your child's brain busy with something else besides worrying! Put out a sketch pad and some markers, a cool book (kids love those "weird but true" books, for example), the sports page of the paper, or some little things to play with. Encourage kids to attend to these things rather than anxiety. -Be mindful of time. Rushing increases anxiety. Make sure to calm the pace for the whole family in the morning, even if it means waking up a bit earlier. -Our next set of tips will involve getting kids to school! There is nothing more wrenching than watching a terrible separation between a parent and a child in the morning. Whether it's a mom putting a hysterical child on the school bus or having to seek the assistance of a guidance counselor to pry their child out of the car, separation anxiety is no way to start the day for anyone. Why do children experience separation anxiety? -Some children worry that something will happen to their parents when they are apart such as a car crash or a serious illness. -Some children worry that something will happen to them when they are apart from their parents, like a kidnapping. -In clinical practice, I find that the most common worry is that children fear that they will experience anxiety or possible illness (most typically tummy aches/vomiting) when apart from their parents and that they won't be able to cope. They doubt that other adults will assist them or "get" them as well as their parents do. More importantly, they doubt their own coping resources to help themselves if they feel worried or ill. This week, I will post a tip each day to help re-build your mornings and make these daily separations easier. Stay tuned! This month's Oprah Magazine had a great chart comparing the number of hours of sleep kids need with the number of hours they actually get. How do your kids stack up?
This September, I am struck at the frequency with which I am hearing about college anxiety. Yes, I am hearing it from high school seniors, but also from juniors, and sophomores, and even freshman. It seems that these days, it is never too early to start worrying about college.
At least this is the message that kids are getting from their schools, athletic coaches, peers, and to a lesser extent, parents. As a psychologist, I think it is nuts (and no, that is not a clinical term). Here are my "words of wisdom" as the college application season approaches: -When we spend years thinking/worrying about the "next" step in our lives, we miss out on the present moment. Yes, there are things we must do to prepare for college admission, but not at the expense of enjoying being a teenager and having a life during high school. -Despite the seemingly popular belief that there are only 8 colleges in the US (not naming any names here), there are in fact almost 3000 4-year colleges in this country. There is a place out there for everyone. The kids who worry about college the most tend to be the ones who have the least to worry about -- they are the kids who will get into perfectly great schools. Our jobs as the adults in their lives is to help them discover what is important to them, and find schools that fit those criteria -- even if those schools are not the most elite and well-known. -Kids spend a lot of time considering their final list of schools to which they are going to apply. I am convinced that once they develop this list, they could pick any school out of a hat and be happy there. Placing all our hopes on one school is misguided. There is no way to know if that ONE school will make a child happier or more successful than any other school on their list. Once the applications are in, what is often needed is an attitude adjustment -- these are all great choices for me and what really matters is the attitude I have about my college experience once I get there. -My final tips for kids and parents during this potential stressful time -- PUT YOUR BLINDERS ON. Ignore all the advice and pressure from friends, other families, school and coaches. Focus on what is right for your child and your family. This might actually mean skipping some college fairs or non-mandatory programs at school that stir up the anxiety. Find out what you need to do, do it, and filter out the rest. |
Dr. LedleyI am a licensed psychologist working with kids, teens, and adults with anxiety disorders. Categories |